Well hello there,
If your still reading at this point, you already know how growing up with my adoptive parents went, how finding my bio mom went really well and the family was super welcoming and how I still keep in contact with most of them, years later.
If you have not read those blogs, I recommend you do. Especially if your interested in understanding this blog, and the ones to come. Anyways let me jump in on "Finding my Bio Dad"
As I said in the blogs before, I am using alternate names to protect the identities of the people in this blog. Remember this is my story, not theirs!
So my bio dads name in this will be Justin Starer, and his wife will be Janelle Starer.
When I was 18 years old I was given my bio moms information. I went and motioned the court to find my adoption records (read previous blogs). To do so, you must have an attorney. So my next step was finding an attorney.
As I was looking for an attorney I was talking to a client who helped me talk to the judge here, and he unsealed the documents and gave them to me.
In the adoption records it showed a newspaper article from back in 1990 when my Bio mom was trying to reach out (I guess it was required by law for 3 months, every week) to my bio dad. It said on there his name was Justin Star (remember this is not really his name). On the paper work its said
*He was 19 years old aprox
*Worked at tinsel light, which is now carlise off SR. 16
*His name
*He lived here in Saint Augustine Florida
*Went to SAHS
Well that's not much to run with, but its what I had. At this point I didn't know what to do with that information, so I tired looking on Facebook. No luck :(
I was talking about it in the salon one day, and it just so happened that the client I was talking too was a Private investigator. So I gave him all the information I had, and he did a little digging and he said "The closest thing I could come up with is a guy who is 76 years old, and I doubt that's him". UGH!!! He even tried different spellings, and we couldn't come up with anything.
I went online and tried to look for anyone remotely close to that description and every time I even found something close, I would message Amber T and ask "Is this him"? The answer was always "No".
I would say after a couple years I just gave up. I was over spending money and time and getting no where.
2 years ago my dad that raised me passed away from cancer. He was my world, and my best friend. (There will be a blog about that later) I think at the time I lost myself, and I was in my own little world. Since then I have picked myself up and got back up on my feet. I opened a salon, and got engaged.
I was at work (my life story) and I saw this ad for ancestry.com DNA was 50% OFF. It was usually $99 and it was on sale for $50. I decided "what the heck" so I bought it. It arrived in the mail, and honestly I was nervous. I read numerous testimonies on it and how accurate it was, and I didn't know what I was going to find.
After it arrived in the mail It laid on a table in my house for over a month, and I finally decided to do it. I sent my test results to the lab!!!
Every so often Ancestry sends you a text alert letting you know what step it is on. At first it said it was going to take around 6 weeks, so I didn't really pay any mind to it.
The following week it was blowing up my phone, and then it said "Your results are in".
Now a normal person would probably click on it right then and there and go searching. Well I was afraid. I waited and then finally opened it.
Unfortunately no one from family from siblings to first cousins have ever done the DNA test. However I had second cousins all the way down the line to 8th cousins that have.
So I began my search there! Messaging everyone! I mean everyone. I must have sent out over 30 emails.
My family started writing me back and we were connecting all the pieces. I found one of my aunts, who knew really helped me. A cousin of mine shared with me an obituary and I was reading it, and I saw his name!
It wasn't Star which is what we always thought (we tried different spellings of it and never found it) it was Starer with an ER at the end. That's why we never found him before. Then I hit the button that said link tree on my DNA report because, well I didn't really know what that button did, and boom!
Him and his Wife showed up and have lived here in Saint Augustine the entire time!
YES in this small crazy little town, he has lived down the road from the entire time!
I went on Facebook right away looking for his profile when I came across my sister Facebook, which then lead me to his wife and his. (yes they share a Facebook)
I wanted to make sure I had the correct one, so I began to ask questions that I knew. All the answers were yes. I was so relieved to finally have found him.
I learned from my family before this encounter, that they thought and were pretty sure that he had no idea I even existed, so going into this I already had a heads up.
So when I was talking to him, he was in shock.
"I wish I would have known about you, because I would have raised you myself"
I found out I had 3 brothers, and 2 sisters. I was super excited. I knew that I have seen them before around town. As bad as I wanted to message them, I wanted to make sure that I let them come to me in their own time because maybe they wouldn't feel the same way. I knew this was some shocking news for all of them. But at the same time I was super excited because I grew up always being the younger sister, and now I was the older sister.
I guess I really just was excited to know that I had other family members here.
I saw that they liked to fish and hunt and they were a lot like me.
I secretly was hoping they would add me so that we could start talking and I could get to know them. They always say that sisters are like best friends.
I was mainly hoping that everyone just liked me and that I could form some sort of relationship with everyone of them.
It seemed to be going well for a couple of days, we were communicating and learning about each other. I even talked to his wife, and she seemed nice. I was excited to get to know her as well. They have been together for so long, and I think that is incredible! You don't hear that these days. It kind of reminded me of my parents. They were married 35 years till my dad passed away. It was just really cool.
I was super excited to meet them and this is when everything turned a different direction! I went to go to message them and I found out I was blocked! My heart sunk!
I went to my sister (who added me- Facebook) and saw "Add as Friend" on her page. That really made me sad
I was very confused!
"Why am I blocked"
"What Happened"?
Everything seemed to be going good, I don't understand why they went and blocked me.
All of these emotions started. That dreaded moment that every Adoptee prays NOT to happen!
I talked to my fiancé and best friend, and a mutual friend and after a week of heart break, wondering why, and what and having so many questions and emotions, I decided that this happens.
As much as I wanted to know who they were, and build relationships with them, I have come to realize that they don't feel the same way.
My brother that lives out of town has reached out to me, and has kept in contact. He is one of the only ones that has made me feel welcomed.
My younger sister to this day still has me blocked.
I added my other brother last night and woke up this morning and he has me blocked now.
I decided to not even reach out to my other sister in fear of rejection from her as well.
I feel bad for my brother that actually has welcomed me, because now even he is blocked.
My feelings are super hurt. It doesn't make sense. They don't even know me. They never even gave me a chance. They never even tried to once get to know who I was or even once put their selves in my shoes.
But as someone reminded me today, that its their loss not mine! I just have to keep that in mind at all times.
I guess I wish more then anything that they would have at least given me a reason. I guess I will always wonder what it would have been like.
I have heard from my bio dad since this mess, and I still hope to one day actually meet him.
In the events that I never get to actually meet him, I realize that all I ever wanted was to know who he was. I got that and I need to be thankful for at least that.
I will continue on this journey as times goes on.
I pray that my siblings and my family come around.
Ps. (Bio Dad) Family if your reading this, I would love to sit down and talk with you! Maybe one day you will try to see this as a positive thing and not a negative.
I pray that one day you all will come around.
I cant imagine ever doing this to you all and making you feel the way you have already made me feel.
I cant imagine ever blocking you all before I even got to know you. I’m sorry you never knew about me, however I am more sorry that you are close minded to the fact that I exist and at the end of the day we are family. It’s sad to me truly.
*Those who judge are no better then the ones they are judging.
Comments